Warning! This article although based on facts, is purely fiction and was written by a warped mind. Neither the author nor “New Age” people take any responsibility for its contents.
I am trying to understand the “New Age” movement of healing spiritually through inner peace and balance, but I think I’m becoming more confused than healed.
Take for example Auras; these are fields of energy around our bodies which most of us can't see. All genuine “New Age” people believe in Auras, although few can see them. Auras have different colours. You can tell how highly evolved people are by the colour of their auras. But, there are so many different theories about Auras that people are confused about which colours are better than others, which of course is very important to “New Age” People. Everybody does agree though that having any colour of Aura is better than having no colour at all.
Here is the final up-to-date, rating of Aura colours:
· White
Forget it. You’re looking right through it. You wouldn't know one if it bit you!
· Violet
Very, very high. If you see someone with a violet aura, try to suck up to them.
· Blue
Highly alert, although a tad arrogant.
· Blue-Green
Semi-alert, but fun at parties.
· Green
Reasonably alert. Very healthy. Loves plants. (To eat)
· Yellow
Average. Some hope for evolution, although unlikely to be interested in it.
· Orange
Has moments of consciousness. Boring sexual partner.
· Red
Passionate and quick tempered, but not very shiny, oops bright.
· Brown
Normally they are referred to as “Robots of Humanity.” They are mostly politicians.
· Black
Too dark, couldn’t make out it’s meaning!
·
Chakra is a Sanskrit word meaning “wheel.” Sanskrit is a favourite “New Age” language because it’s very ‘mystical.’ “Wheel” sounds like normal language, but say the word “Chakra” a few times and you’ll see what I mean.
“New Age” people say we have seven of these Chakras in our body. Each Chakra has a different colour and a different function. Don’t look at me I don’t know what they are! I only read somewhere that if you meditate on your Chakras, especially while using Crystals they will start to “open.” The Chakras not the Crystals silly!
Crystals are pretty coloured rocks, but “New Age” people say they are better because they vibrate. Of course vibrators vibrate too but they have other uses. They do, don’t they?
Tantra is a new special kind of Sex; this is Sex that is done for spiritual reasons. With Tantra “New Age” people can FSCK themselves to a new consciousness. Henceforth I shall be engaging in Tantra instead of Sex! Aint “New Age” great?
The Third Eye is the one between your normal eyes on your forehead. It’s the one we can’t see but all “New Age” people want to open it. If we can see three dimensions with two eyes, imagine what we would see with three!
Once your third eye is open I will tell you how to clean your third ear.
My favourite is Zen. Zen is that which is hard to define made obvious, or is it the obvious made indefinable? Zen is very confusing.
Anyway Zen is everything, but it is also nothing.
There are special places called Zen Monasteries and Zen gardens where people do Zen, which means they are doing everything, but actually nothing!
(If you can understand this you are well on your way to becoming a “New Age” person)
The final one for this lesson is Yin and Yang. This is an ancient Oriental concept, and due to its antiquity it is considered to be very deep by “New Age” people. There’s nothing like ‘old’ to impress “New Age” people.
Yin and Yang means that everything has its opposite it. Every Yin has a little Yang and every Yang has a little Yin.
What it means is that everything seems to be one way is kind of the other way too.
Therefore, nothing is really what it seems and we shouldn’t worry too much about anything because it’s not what we thought it was in the first place.
(Are you feeling spiritual yet?)
So you see I had a total misconception about this “New Age” stuff. I thought it was about New and Old. Like when my grandson told me that I was not invited to his third birthday party because it was only for NEW people and not for OLD people like myself.
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a Book compiled by me from experience gained after 10 years in the security industry as Industrial relations officer with Nosa qualifications, 1st Aid, fire protection and also S.O.B. grade A.
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